Your brain needs these thoughts from my brain. — Let me begin this over-wrought golden turd by throwing out some baseless generalities that you should simply accept because I present myself as an authority. As a middle-aged man, I know what is good, and most things today are dumb and terrible. Yes, certain things are better than ever before…

And no one knows what’s going to happen when it does. — Startling news for the inhabitants of Earth this afternoon: Astronomers have spotted an asteroid on a direct collision course with the Earth. To be clear, this is cause for alarm. And the news gets worse. Based on careful calculations performed by highly regarded astrosexualists, the asteroid is going to hit…

We know you want it. — Digital Transformation. So hot. So sexy. So tempting. You’re thirsty for it. You’ve gone deep into Forrester’s research. Now you want to get way up in that Gartner Magic Quadrant. Well babe, now’s the time to step on the gas, rev the engine, and open that kimono. Once your transformation…

Really not sure how this horse got into my bathroom (or my house for that matter) but it’s in there and it is evil. — I first noticed the horse when I got up to pee at 3 am. Stumbling through the dark, I groped my way over to the loo and found myself staring into a glowing, red horse eye. This was a surprise. The horse attached to that eye was wreathed in shadow…

Read this to learn 7 powerful secrets known only to top-performing, neuroscientist, astronaut, ex-navy seal, football stars. — Dig into this incredibly viral article and you could finally live the life you’ve spent the last 30-something years dreaming about while your actual life passed before your eyes like a hazy dreamscape. Let’s get started! First, we’re going to dive in and learn the truth about coffee, blood, sugar, libido, and how…

A new cost-saving solution from the best healthcare system on Earth. — Many US residents have had to see a doctor lately and, when they did, realized they’d made the terrible mistake of having a health condition in the US of A. Now, they sit at their kitchen tables, coughing specks of blood onto small mountains of medical bills that their absurdly…

And other places people like to go, like cool parties at big mansions. — Hello, thank you for taking a moment to provide us with feedback about our brand, Amazon. We’ll use your responses as a guide to provide even better, faster, and harder services. Please proceed with the survey: On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being very unlikely and 10…

The similarities are somewhat distressing. — Like everyone else on Earth, I love a good true-crime podcast. I’ve listened to tons of them! But, the one I’m listening to now is starting to creep me out. Here’s why: The suspect in this mysterious unsolved murder really sounds a lot like me. First of all, the drawing…

A pre-pitch conversation. — “So tell me more about this Paul Bunyan character. Why’s he a hero?” “Ok, I mean, Paul Bunyan is a classic hero of American folklore. You don’t know this? He traveled around with a big blue ox named Babe, and he could chop down trees faster than anyone else.” “Chop…